Self-led relationship, a slide from the programme. Based on Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) model.
Same Dance, New Steps
Relationship Foundations for Couples
An online, self-paced couples programme... understanding your relationship from the inside out.
Opening soon - November 2026
One email, when it’s ready... and nothing else. I’ll only use your address for that, then delete it. More in my Privacy Notice
Groundhog Day?
Why do the same arguments keep coming round? Why does one of you withdraw while the other pursues? Why are good intentions so often not enough?
If you're reading this after another round of the same argument... you're not alone.
Most couples know the steps by heart... without ever realising they’re in a dance. I call it the Dance of Doom.
It's the pattern, not the person
Couples tend to slip into one of two well-trodden paths. Some go quiet and avoid conflict altogether. Others get caught in hostility... and plenty switch between the two.
Underneath, the Parts of us that take over in those moments usually reach for one of three strategies:
change myself, to keep the peace
change my partner, to make things feel safe again
find an exit... from the argument, or from the relationship.
None of this makes either of you a bad person. These are very human attempts to protect something that matters. But when we can’t see the pattern, we tend to blame ourselves, or each other... or at least our Parts do.
Image: Stillness In Motion, Unsplash
The sad part...
So many couples either stay stuck, or break up... without ever really knowing why. And then, quite often, the same pattern turns up again in the next relationship.
I find that genuinely sad. Because once you can see the pattern, you have more choice about what you do with it.
Image: Burak Kostak Pexels 14303
So what is it?
An educational programme you work through at home, at your own pace.
It’s built on the same frameworks I use in my couples work: Internal Family Systems (IFS), Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) and the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.
It isn’t therapy, and I won’t be working with you directly. Think of it more like a well-guided book... with videos, exercises and conversations to try along the way.
Some couples therapists offer weekend “intensives”. A good part of those weekends is teaching... how relationships work, why couples get stuck, and how to talk when it’s hard.
This programme is that teaching, without me in the room. For less than the cost of two of my couples sessions.
Some couples treat it as a weekend... a pot of tea, a module, and a conversation. Others take it a little at a time. There's no right way.
What you'll do
learn the language of Parts, a simple and surprisingly practical way to talk about what happens inside you when things get heated
map your own Dance of Doom... which patterns are yours, the moves each of you makes, and what sets them off
see where your relationship sits in the normal stages couples move through, and why the middle stage is where so many of us get stuck
understand how your nervous system shapes what you can hear and say in the heat of the moment
learn and practise *Courageous Communication, a structured way to speak for your Parts, from Self... and to really listen so your partner's more likely to feel heard
How the programme flows, a slide from the programme.
Why Parts?
Many Parts... and also Self
The idea comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS), and from IFIO, its application to couples. It’s simple, and surprisingly freeing: none of us is just one thing.
We’re made up of many Parts... a Part that longs for closeness, a Part that braces for criticism, a Part that just wants the argument to stop. Maybe even a Part looking for the exit...
And yet there's also Self. Not another Part, but who we are at our core... curious, calm, clear and compassionate, present and even playful!
When things get heated, Self hasn't gone anywhere... it's just been crowded out for a while.
The 'Self' and 'Parts' view of us (slide from the programme), based on Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems (IFS) model.
Seeing it this way can help you:
see the dance between you as many Parts meeting many Parts, not just “me versus you”
make sense of why you each react the way you do
recognise a reaction for what it often is... a Part in pain, not the whole person
find words that can lower the temperature: “A Part of me feels...”
notice when Self is back in the room... and how much more space there is then for understanding and repair
“You always do this” leaves very little room to move.
“A Part of me gets really scared when you go quiet” leaves more space for the rest of you... and for your partner to stay curious instead of defending.
In my couples work I see that small shift again and again. It’s often where things first start to soften.
*Courageous Communication - speaking Self-to-Self (slide from the programme), based on Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Intimacy From The Inside Out (IFIO).
What I hope it gives you
More curiosity, less blame.
A shared language for the moments that used to derail you.
The chance to choose a different step, rather than repeat the same one.
A clearer sense of what’s yours to work on... and when it might be time to bring in more support.
How much changes depends on what you bring to it. I can’t do that part for you. What I can offer is the understanding, and in my experience that’s so often a missing piece.
Together, or on your own?
Both work. Doing it together is ideal, but it isn’t essential... when one person changes their step, the dance can start to look different.
What's included?
- 19+ video lessons with a total running time of 6+ hours - with more on the way!
- Written guides, reflection exercises and printable handouts
- A worked example 'Courageous Communication' conversation you can read through together
- Access for 12 months, at your own pace
How much is it?
£200, one payment. This includes access for both partners and is currently available to UK residents.
Looking for couples therapy?
Finding the right couples therapist can be hard. It's a big investment of time, money and hope, and not every approach suits every couple. IFIO-trained couples therapists are still relatively rare, and my own availability is limited.
This is a way to make a start now. If things start to move, and it feels safe, keep practising. If they don't, that's useful to know too... and if you do go on to see a couples therapist, you can arrive with a shared language and a clearer sense of what's going on.
Is this the right time?
This programme isn’t the right fit if:
- either of you is in crisis, or struggling with your mental health in a way that needs professional support right now
- there is abuse, coercion, control or fear in your relationship
Patterns are something two people can look at together. Abuse isn’t a pattern to work on as a couple... it needs specialist support. If there’s fear, control or violence in your relationship, please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247 (free, 24 hours). In an emergency, call 999.
Not sure? It’s always fine to start with a qualified couples therapist instead.
About me
I’m Gemma Keaney, an IFS and IFIO couples therapy practitioner, based in Hackney, East London.
In my therapy room I see it again and again. Two people who care about each other, both trying hard, both caught in a dance neither of them chose... and neither of them really knows why.
More effort usually isn’t what’s missing. Understanding is.
This programme is that understanding, put together so you can work through it in your own time.
Every video is me... no AI avatars, no synthetic voices.
Full disclosure - of course I leaned on AI for the paperwork and some marketing (my Parts are pretty smart!).
But the teaching is all mine - grounded in my professional experience... and Self-led!
Opening November 2026!
Want to hear when it opens?
Email me with “Couples Programme” in the subject line. One email, when it’s ready... and nothing else. I’ll only use your address for that, then delete it.
For more details please see the Privacy Notice.
Or write to [email protected]
Questions?
Is this therapy?
No. It’s an educational programme. It doesn’t create a therapeutic relationship with me, and it isn’t a substitute for working with a qualified therapist when that’s what you need.
Can I do this if my partner won’t?
Yes. It takes two to dance... but as Winifred M. Reilly puts it in her book, It Takes One to Tango, one person trying a different step can be enough to change how the dance goes.
What if something brings up more than I expected?
The programme includes guidance on when to pause and when to bring in a therapist. You can stop or take a break at any time.
Who can join?
Currently only UK residents.
How long do I have access?
12 months from date of purchase.
Same Dance, New Steps is an educational programme. It is not counselling, psychotherapy or therapy, and doesn’t create a therapeutic relationship.
This programme is informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, and Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO), developed by Toni Herbine-Blank, which explore how our inner parts shape the way we relate.
*Courageous Communication, a core practice in this programme, comes from IFIO.
It also draws on the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (Dr Ellyn Bader and Dr Peter Pearson, The Couples Institute), which maps how partners grow through the stages of relationship development.
These approaches are woven together with my own experience of working with couples, to offer practical, compassionate guidance for couples seeking greater understanding and connection.
This programme is an independent, original interpretation of these models. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or certified by the IFS Institute, IFIO, or The Couples Institute. All interpretations and applications presented here are my own unless explicitly attributed otherwise.
Purchases will be governed by the Programme Terms and Conditions, Version 1.0, November 2026.
© Gemma Keaney 2026 Lancara Ltd.
Registered in England Number 10854077